


Finding Your Way Back

by happyinthesilence



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hopeful Ending, M/M, thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1720454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happyinthesilence/pseuds/happyinthesilence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't the happy ending Chuck had been hoping for and now he had to find his way out of the darkness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Your Way Back

Chuck was lucky. He survived a nuclear explosion, three days in a damaged escape pod, not to mention the freaking apocalypse. So he was lucky.

The world kept reminding how lucky he was. Reporters, fans, and even his friends and family. He was constantly being told how lucky he was to survive. His father told him he was being given a second chance. Chuck didn’t necessarily agree.

He knew many others had not survived similar circumstances and he knew that his survival was a miracle. The thing was miracle or not he didn’t feel lucky. Chuck was, for better or worse, a child born of war. He had been raised in violence and honed into a weapon. He lived each day with a dedicated purpose, a fight to save humanity. Now he was thrust into a world in which he no longer belonged.

The hardest part wasn’t the nightmares, hell could even survive the panic attacks. PTSD was unfortunately common and something he had been familiar with long before pitfall, you don’t face down monsters as teen without developing some traumatic stress. No the most difficult thing for Chuck was the depression.

It wasn’t just sadness. He had been sad when he lost his mother, he had survived grief and tears. This was different. He woke each morning with a sense of dread, almost as if he was disappointed he had even woken up. It took every ounce of energy he had to simply get out of bed. He hurt all over, a deep ache within his bones. It was an all-consuming darkness that drained his will to live.

If that wasn’t hard enough he faced an overwhelming amount of guilt. Guilt that he had lived when others had not and guilt at what he had become. He felt guilt after every comment on the luckiness in his life.

He wanted to feel that way. He wanted to grab at the chance to live a new life. He wanted to build a relationship with his father, renew his friendships with Mako and Tendo, hell he even wanted to form new ones with blonde has-beens who turned out to be not so useless. Chuck would give anything let go of this bone deep hopelessness.

He could clearly see how far he had fallen from the brash young man he had once been, and that only served to further his fall into the abyss. Eventually those closest to him noticed him slipping away. Mako and his father urged him to seek counseling and he tried, he honestly did, but Chuck struggled to open up. He had never been open with his feelings, and unfortunate lesson he had learned from Herc.

As he continued to struggle with the counseling not helping he became more and more lost in his struggles. He was spiraling and though he knew it, could see it, he was helpless to change it. Finally he found himself on the roof of the shatterdome staring out at the pacific. It wasn’t that he had a clear defined idea to harm himself but as the thought flittered past his mind it began to develop into one. He did not want to die and honestly he wasn’t sure he was really even considering it, but there was a frightening part of his mind that whispered that those who worried for him would be better off without him. He could not fail the world if he wasn’t in it.

“It isn’t the answer.” Chuck startled so badly he felt his heart stop briefly. As he turned he saw Raleigh standing a few feet away, wearing his ratty sweater, hands stuffed in his pockets. Chuck couldn’t speak. His throat worked to spill denials, lies about how he was just here to relax, not gonna do something stupid Rah-leigh. But he couldn’t bring the words out of his chest. “I’ve been there you know, after Yancy.” He seemed to stumble over his brother’s name, as he moved next to Chuck to look out at the ocean. “The thing is if I had done it I would never have been able to help save the world. I know it doesn’t seem like it but you are still here for a reason Chuck, and when you’re ready we are all here to help you find your way.”

Raleigh looked over a Chuck, who was still speechless and staring back with utter shock on his face, and gave Chuck a soft sad smile. He reached out gently squeezing Chuck’s shoulder and turned and walked away.

It wasn’t that Raleigh had given Chuck the will to live. He wasn’t a sudden light in the dark that saved Chuck from himself, like you read about in sappy stories. No Raleigh hadn’t saved him, but he had reminded him why those words were just whispers instead of screams.

Chuck knew deep down that he wasn’t so lost that he would willing give up on the world he had helped to save. He stood staring out at the ocean until long after the sun had risen. He glanced down at his watch and realized he was late.

Twenty minutes later he was sitting down in front of his therapist.

“I need help and I have no idea where to even start…”


End file.
